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When God said: “What do you want?”

Updated: Feb 26

In my last post, I wrote about my calling to write a book that would bring Heaven to Earth. I also described the out of this world worship moment where I encountered what has been affectionally called “the glory cloud” by those who were there. 

Afterwards, I went back to normal life which revolved around ministry and motherhood. Ani was born and we had a lot of kingdom work to do in San Antonio. I waited for direction on the book and threw myself into the work at hand.

About two years after the day that marked me, our eleven year season of pastoring came to an end. I was asking God what was next when I got a surprising response—he said to my spirit: “What do you want to do?”

My reply was probably something like, “What? Um…” I thought he was supposed to tell me what to do.

Then his words that changed everything came: “What do you want, Beloved? Your life is what you make it.”

Whoa. I hesitated. I mean, that’s a lot of trust—and tons of responsibility. Was this biblical? I pushed past my religious fear and trusted that I knew his voice. (I realized later that of course as children mature, they are given more freedom and stewardship. Every parent wants their child to be empowered to make decisions without being told what to do.) 

Accepting the invitation, I asked myself, “What do I want?” 

Without missing a beat I heard my heart say, “I want to live in Redding.” I wanted to live in a place where Heaven touched Earth in ways I hadn’t experienced anywhere else. I longed to be part of a healthy community. I so wanted to observe it and learn how to cultivate it.

I didn’t realize it then, but I also needed rest and new perspective. I had a lot to unlearn. There was an undoing in store for me. Sammy and I had jumped into ministry before we even completed Bible college or got married… Then we did it all with babies on our hips. 

We’d helped start a punk rock church. I started the kid’s ministry and then the women’s ministry and after that we learned about and launched an inner-healing and deliverance ministry, and cultivated a prophetic culture in our church. Then we'd launched several healing teams all over San Antonio. This was our training ground and I am grateful for that season. It was incredible, difficult, full of miracles and pain.

We took a lot of hits along the way; steps toward freedom will be met with resistance. Some of the attacks got personal—we didn’t even know the extent of it all yet. But we learned a lot, and there’s no going back once you’ve tasted the reality of a present and exceedingly good God. 

My heart’s cry was for rest and health and life. Looking back, I can see that ministry became a part of our identity in a way that wasn’t healthy. At thirty-thirty-something we were still discovering out identity. We needed to know who we were in our own skin—apart from our spiritual giftings and callings and apart from leading a community. 

Thank God my husband has a few wild hairs of his own along with a strong sense of adventure—he agreed to uproot everything and move to Redding without much to go on other than my increasingly strong desire. So within a few months, in the spring of 2015, we packed up our family and moved to Redding to take a six month sabbatical (which turned into twenty one months). This season shifted the course of our lives. It was excruciating and it was glorious!

One fun thing to note is that right after we decided to move across the country, gold began to manifest on Ani and I. We were still living in our little San Antonio apartment and in the process of making preparations for the big move. It began as we were streaming Bethel’s Sunday service one afternoon, but it didn’t stop there; it has continued throughout the years during times of being with Jesus. I think it’s contagious! Once after an Inspired Circle women’s gathering in 2019, a few of us noticed gold on our arms and legs as we walked out of the park where we’d gathered to worship together.

Back to Redding: It was likely some time in the summer of 2015 when I was worshipping at the front of the church again. My eyes were closed and I was entranced in vision of a forlorn looking young teen. She was reading a book in a cozy nook in a bay window, completely absorbed in what she read. It was a story about a girl about her age who was having an adventure with Jesus. The lonely reader grew more and more enthralled with the story. Her lips turned up as she read. She began yearning for her own time with this man who was mysterious, kind and lots of fun. That’s when he suddenly appeared. He was seated right next to her in the bay window smiling. Her face lit up. Then I saw another version of the same vision with women young and old in various settings, even brothels.

It was very clear to me that they were reading my book, the one Dr. Barsch had prophesied a couple of years prior. I knew that I was to get started on writing it during our sabbatical.

I was very focused on this when I sensed a tall, large figure standing in front of me. (You know how a person in front of you can block the light so you sense a presence there? That’s what it felt like.) It’s not unusual for there to be people shifting around during worship, so I didn’t think much of it. I also didn’t want to stop what I was seeing with my spiritual eyes. So I didn’t open them when I sensed someone there—until in an instant I could see a “man” with the eyes of my spirit and he abruptly turned to thrust a blast of gold dust right in my face! 

I know that sounds odd. It was a sensation that felt like a continuation of the person who was blocking the light in front of me, but then he was more than a shadow and I could see him with my spiritual eyes as he turned and then tossed the gold at me.

I’ll try to explain: Imagine someone has a handful of confetti and they walk right up to you while your eyes are closed and just toss it in your face. You sense it coming toward you, so you open your eyes to see what’s happening. That’s what it felt like. I even pulled back in a startle reflex. But when I opened my eyes, there was no one in front of me. When I realized it was supernatural, it felt connected to the vision that I was in just before I was overshadowed.

My father had been showing me his heart for the book: reading it would be like walking through a doorway that would allow the reader to experience the heavenly realms themselves. If they could just see it, they could have it. I was marveling at this assignment and the promise and potential it held, when I sensed the presence of a large “man” in front of me. The flinging of the gold was unexpected, but it was to me like a blessing or an impartation had been cast upon me. I had just received a commissioning to begin creating these stories that would usher people into their own adventures in the kingdom. And I did write most of the novel during our time in Redding. I will say more on that in the next post.

First I want to tell you the rest of this angel story. In spring of 2023, I was visiting Bethel’s Healing Rooms when I noticed a painting displayed at the exact spot where I had this angelic encounter several years prior. The painting was of a giant angel who held a golden key. The angel was surrounded by—you guessed it—gold dust. It was called The Gift, painted by Eliene Nunes. This is what that inscription said:

“I saw this angel coming from heaven with a key. Papa God told me that He released this angel to open doors that were still closed. Doors for people accomplish the destiny that they are called to. This key is to open doors for situations that were impossible until now, to declare that the breakthrough is at hand and the impossible is going to happen. The gold represents the glory of God and this angel is also releasing an extraordinary amount of glory over the earth! Step in this new season of open doors and glory and you will see promises being fulfilled this year. Since this is a gift from God, the only thing that you have to do is rest in His presence and trust that you received the key. He did it all for you!”

Years later, here was confirmation of my angelic encounter. I also felt God saying that the gold was a symbol of how he wants to make himself manifest to his people all over the world. This was a reminder to finish the book and get it out there. I was almost ready! More on that next time.

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Your writing is so descriptive that I think I can “feel “ what you described. Thank you for sharing!

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thank you for reading 💛


Wow, God is so good! What a beautiful display of being a Glory Carrier of Heaven on earth!

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